Love & money: Are you a match with your mate?

Contemplating your financial future as a couple makes your:

Heart feel full of hope.

Tummy feel (gently) filled with butterflies.

Bile back up: You're having a Maalox moment.

The food, ambience and service are all swell at the restaurant you and your mate just dined at -- but true to form, your partner leaves a lousy tip. You:

Slip more money on the table, when Big Spender's back is turned.

Scream, "You're embarrassing me!" Some people need to be shamed to learn -- besides, you don't want the staff thinking you're complicit.

Make a mental note to express your unease at your next "cash conference."

You spend $100 of your own mad money for a watch that really tickles your fancy. Your mate, a fervent fan of the five-buck street-vendor special, eyes your purchase, and asks, ''How much?'' Do you tell?

(Please, stop spewing coffee on the screen.)

Depends -- you may give an answer, and it may be straightforward or just playful; indeed, it may even be a big smile.

Sure, but you'll probably ''downgrade'' the amount a bit. Look, whatever makes life easier -- you're not looking for trouble.

401(k) is:

Your retirement plan(s), and you're both relatively up-to-date on the status of it/them.

Something you're pretty sure honey-pie has. Or maybe doesn't have. Well, it's one or the other.

Pamela Anderson's bra size.

You find a letter from a collection agency in the mail. Your gut reaction is:

''Hmm, this must be meant for another Clarence K. Crumbwhacker.''

''Dear Lord, what has that pinhead done now?''

''Odd. Could there have been a bill we overlooked paying?''

The last time you and tootsie talked about money:

Ideas were exchanged.

Silent moments were prominent.

Food was flung.

If poopsie still has college loans, do you know their status?

You know the status of anything that could affect your credit rating, individually or jointly.

Poopsie went to college?

You're not sure -- but that's poopsie's problem, n'est-ce pas?

A man who generally defers to his wife's judgment on financial matters:

Should be called Nancy.

Is probably a ''New Age'' type.

Nothing to ''admit'' here: You make no judgment on this.

Budgets are:

A yoke and a joke. No one can really hold to them -- that's why they're a prime cause of marital guilt and fights.

Vitally important -- you can't imagine how couples manage without a reasonably formalized game plan.

Fine for some folks, but often not worth the time and energy consumed in working them out, reviewing them, yada yada yada.

One of you enjoys spending; the other's more of a saver. Your most fervent wish?

That you can continue to agree to disagree on the small stuff -- but keep an overall commonality.

That your spouse sees the light.

That your spouse sees a divorce judgment in your favor. One of these days, Alice/Al ...