Fame & Fortune: Peggy Post
Watch your manners when discussing money

So how much do you make? What's your home worth? What did that jacket set you back?

For more than 80 years, the correct response to such rude money questions has come from "Etiquette," the 1922 bible of proper manners written by New York author and bon vivant Emily Post. Today, her work continues through the Emily Post Institute, a multifaceted etiquette empire for which Peggy Post, Emily's great-granddaughter-in-law, serves as spokeswoman and author.

 

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Post recently completed the 17th edition of "Emily Post's Etiquette," a complete update and rewrite of the original that covers such modern topics as cell-phone and e-mail etiquette. She has also written "Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette" and co-authored "The Etiquette Advantage in Business," with brother-in-law Peter Post, and "The Guide to Good Manners for Kids," with sister-in-law Cindy Post Senning.

Bankrate went to the source for a lesson in good manners on how to discuss the touchy subject of money.

Bankrate: Is it gauche to talk about money?

Peggy Post: Sometimes. In the financial world, you definitely have to talk about money, so in that realm, of course it's OK. In personal life, the question is, how far do you venture into talking about money? Try to remember what the British call "reserve": Use a lot of common sense, and think before you speak.

Bankrate: Most people are uncomfortable or embarrassed when the talk turns to money.

Peggy Post: Yes. Some people like to talk about money all the time and brag about how much money they have, and especially in the social world, that turns a lot of people off. I think it's really important to choose your subject wisely. It used to be totally taboo to discuss money, religion or politics, but these days, in some cases, it's OK to discuss these things. In religion and politics, if things get heated, you want to be able to say, "Let's agree to disagree." But when it comes to money, if somebody just wants to brag to impress other people, I would say most people don't want to hear about it.

Bankrate: What is the appropriate response if someone asks you, say, how much money you make?

Peggy Post: The answer is, first, you don't have to answer. Two, you don't need to get rude in return; you can simply let the person know that you consider this to be an inappropriate topic. Some people are able to use a little humor, such as, "Well, my boss thinks I make too much, but I don't think I make enough." It's the same way you deflect questions like, "How old are you?" You might say, "29 and holding." Or if asked, "Why aren't you married," you might answer, "Well, I'm waiting for Prince Charming."

Bankrate: Here's one that makes people uncomfortable: How much did you pay for your house?

Peggy Post: Those are all public records so that's quasi-private, but still, it's a turn-off for lots of people. You may answer or not, depending on what you feel like doing. Or you can say, "You can check it out at the tax records downtown." Just don't get bullied into discussing things if you don't want to.

Bankrate: Why are we squeamish when someone asks us how much we paid for something?

Peggy Post: I think a lot of people feel they're being evaluated because of it. It's a personal question, how much someone makes, how much someone spends. People have different philosophies on the topic, and it's really a private matter what their net worth is on a monetary basis.

Bankrate: Is there an appropriate way to ask about money without offending?

Peggy Post: You have to really know who you're talking to, first of all. If it's somebody you know really well, you might feel comfortable, and it might be appropriate. Instead of asking directly, "What did you pay for your son's tuition?" you might approach it more generally, "Gee, college tuitions are so high these days," and see if they volunteer information. Or you might offer first, "College costs are so high these days. I can't believe I'm paying $45,000 a year for my daughter's tuition, room and board." That's usually the most graceful way of doing it. But it may be a conversation that nobody else cares about. You have to be very careful when you're only talking about yourself. That's a whole other taboo in polite conversation.