Bankrate: How big are the places you're headlining now?
Lisa Lampanelli: Between 1,200 and 2,000. It was really funny -- I was playing the Peoria Civic Center, which has 2,000 seats, but the room suddenly got booked by something else. So they had to put me in the 11,000-seater. I was like, "This is gonna suck. It's gonna make me feel bad because it's empty, while it would have been sold out in the little place." But the promoter blocked it off so it looked like a very intimate setting. Then he goes, "We really think you're going to be in these 11,000-seaters one day." That would be it. I wanna be the female "Larry the Cable Guy." That would be so great.
Bankrate: With all the earning you're doing now, how are you at saving and investing?
Lisa Lampanelli: My mother and father are Depression-era, so they beat it into us that we had better save for retirement. So I save tons of money for retirement, even though comics never retire. I'm going to probably end up with tons of money in a pension plan or a
401(k), whatever they call it. I save a lot of money every month. It's that fear-based mentality of my parents saying, "Some day you're going to want to quit and hang out." Although I don't know what I would do, because without attention, I'm nothing. If someone isn't recognizing me, I'm pissed. So I save money. It scares me not to. I really want the house that's paid off by the time I retire. Remember that old-fashioned rule that you should always have your house paid off before you retire? I have that in my head, so if I buy a $1.6 million house, that better be paid off in a few years.
Bankrate: Do you also do a lot of investing, like stocks and real estate?
Lisa Lampanelli: I tell my girl at AG Edwards, "do whatever." And my financial guy -- I have a guy who does my financial planning -- I let him handle it. I owned an apartment in Manhattan, but I sold it and moved to Connecticut and bought a place there. I never rent anything any more, because you can't really lose when buying a house. My mother always said, "Be the worst house in a good neighborhood instead of the best house in a bad neighborhood." I've always viewed myself as the worst house in a good neighborhood.
Bankrate: Do you ever see a day when you may do any real estate investing outside of your own house, or buy a stock that you really like, things like that?
Lisa Lampanelli: Maybe. I'm so obsessed with my personal life and with comedy that I don't worry about anything else, so I can't imagine caring that much. Like, I have health insurance, but I know I could get it cheaper through the unions, but I just can't be bothered. It's too much to think about. I'd rather just stay in my little world and do my thing, and then have them handle it. I just care too much about what I'm doing personally.
Bankrate: So you allot a little money for savings and the rest goes to Canyon Ranch.
Lisa Lampanelli: Exactly! And don't forget Jimmy Choo and Dior, please. I love it when you're known by name at these places. They send you a thank you note. I got a thank you note from Dior yesterday for spending money there. That felt good. Because you know they really want to be your friend. We delude ourselves into thinking, that salesperson really liked me. They ain't your friends. Don't move to that town.
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