There's a proper way to give
money to the bride and groom
By Laura Shanahan • Bankrate.com

June 13, 2000 -- "Show me the money!" say so many of today's brides and grooms.

"A lot of couples in recent years have started showing their greed," observes top etiquette expert Letitia Baldrige. "They're asking their wedding guests to give them money, and actually telling them how much. It's unbelievable. This is such a materialistic age."

It wasn't always so.

"It's traditional for close family to give money and for all others to give gifts," says Baldrige, who's penned nine etiquette books and served as Jacqueline Kennedy's White House Chief of Staff. "Indeed, even family members often preferred to give gifts, such as a sterling silver item from great-grandmother. Everyone likes getting heirlooms. As for friends -- they would often chip in to give the bride and groom gifts they really needed, such as dining room chairs, even wall-to-wall carpeting."

Noting it's a whole 'nother world nowadays, the affable Baldrige acknowledges that money gifts are indeed often expected and extended, but that there are ground rules for giving cash with class.

"Awful!" is her pronouncement on reception-area "money trees," the "leaves" of which are made up of guests' checks and other promissory notes. Fortunately, this dubious custom is falling from favor, because, "everyone is saying how awful it is."

"The first thing to remember," she says, "is that it is very crass to make a show of handing over money in front of other people. It should always be done privately."

Actually, your best bet, says Baldrige, involves no handing over at all: Mail your check with a note at least one week prior to the wedding. This way, the happy couple needn't be forced into an on-the-spot reaction, which, even if pleasurable, can be awkward.

The check may be made out jointly, though if the bride or groom is a close relative, you may opt to make it out to him or her.

As for other financial gifts, such as stocks and bonds: These should only be given by very close or immediate family, and they should be tendered privately, in person.

A final rule of thumb: If you cannot, or choose not, to give $100 or more, consider a non-financial gift. Believe it or not, says Baldrige, even today, "not every bride and groom expects -- or even wants -- money."

"No one," she adds firmly, "should ever be embarrassed by the amount they spend on a gift. Give it with love, and with a note that expresses a million dollars' worth of good wishes."

Laura Shanahan is a freelance writer based in New York
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-- Posted: June 13, 2000