Santa Claus: You bet. Everything. Santa-related Christmas tree ornaments, cookies. Plus, I get ancillary rights to Rudolph and Frosty. Frosty's still hot about that. He let himself melt one year just to spite me.
Bankrate: And you allowed them to do "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians." Hmm. Do you stop anything?
Santa Claus: On the Web, I saw a site that had "Disco Dancing Santa." Yeah, right. Didn't even think about it -- just sent a cease and desist. Like I'd be caught dead dancing to disco.
Bankrate: You've had a few legal entanglements. What was the story with the class-action suit?
Santa Claus: I keep a list of every kid in the world, breaking them down into two categories -- "naughty" and "nice." Some kids' rights organization threatened a class action suit, alleging discrimination, emotional distress and even damage to future profits on behalf of kids branded "naughty." They called it a stigma. So, I had to come up with a whole objective justification for the "naughty" designation until I just said, "forget it." Now, every kid gets a Talking Elmo and we're done.
Bankrate: Seems to take all the fun out of it.
Santa Claus: Blame the lawyers.
Bankrate: You've had a few nuisance suits too.
Santa Claus: I actually gave some kid a PlayStation, and I got sued because he wanted an Xbox. What kind of garbage is that? I snuck back in before New Year's and took it back. Now you get nothing. Brat.
Bankrate: And you've had other controversy. Some point to you as the prime example of how Christmas has become so commercialized.
Santa Claus: Unfair. And, inaccurate. Remember, I give toys away for free. If anything, I'm surprised they don't call me a socialist.
Bankrate: Let's talk about your history. You started as St. Nicholas around the fourth century. Word has it you actually left gold for people back then. Is that true?
Santa Claus: It is. I left gold. Now, most things I leave are made of plastic. Times have changed.
Bankrate: You used to be St. Nicholas, and some people call you Kriss Kringle. Any other aliases?
Santa Claus: In the late '60s, I experimented with one I don't talk about much, a weird flight of fancy on my part. Jack Tripper.
Bankrate: Hmmm ... that would seem somewhat inappropriate.
Santa Claus: It was. Not sure what I was thinking -- the '60s turned everyone's head around. I ditched it two years later and gave it to John Ritter. I always liked Ritter.
Bankrate: What's your take on "The Night Before Christmas"?
Santa Claus: That's actually the only story out there that's fully sanctioned. My agency worked out a very generous royalty deal for me on that one.
Bankrate: That was in 1823. They had agencies then?
Santa Claus: Yup. Earlier versions of what we have now. I was with the Kansas City Railroad Profitry Generation and Blacksmithing Company. They eventually became CAA.
Bankrate: What's your take on Christmas music?
Santa Claus: I have a policy. Anyone who plays it before Thanksgiving gets nothing. And even afterward, please, use it sparingly. It's like wallpaper already.
Bankrate: What about that song, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer?"
Santa Claus: Completely untrue. The reindeers have a 100 percent safety record. That song was really bad for their morale, by the way. A rumor spread that Blitzen did it. He was getting some awful letters, and we barely avoided a boycott from AARP. If you do business in America, don't mess with the Grandma lobby.
Bankrate: What about, "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus?"
Santa Claus: No comment.
Santa Claus: Next question.
Bankrate: In your opinion, what has been the worst use of your image?
Santa Claus: Worst attempted use -- The Star Wars Holiday special. I had to sue to keep myself out of that one. Sure, I wear a big suit, but can we keep Chewbacca out of it, please? What an awful show. Harvey Korman, Bea Arthur, Ewoks, AND the Jefferson Starship. If I ever wanted to kill Christmas, that's sure as heck the fastest way I can think of to do it.
Bankrate: Politically, this nation seems more divided than ever, especially after this year ...
Santa Claus: I'll stop you there. I stay away from all that red state/blue state malarkey. Whether you're the son of an Iowa farmer or the daughter of a Hollywood executive, if you've been good, you're getting a toy. Period.
Bankrate: What are your feelings on the Grinch?
Santa Claus: How did no one realize that having your heart grow three sizes in one day isn't exactly healthy? He was a good man. He'll be missed.
Bankrate: What is the most surprising thing about you that people don't know?
Santa Claus: The Santa suits: Cashmere. Santa travels in style.
Bankrate: Anything new to look forward to in the years to come?
Santa Claus: One word -- Santapalooza!
Bankrate: You're kidding.
Santa Claus: Can't say much, but the Red Hot Chili Peppers are already on board.
Bankrate: Any last advice or requests for the children out there?
Santa Claus: Yeah. If your greatest Christmas desire is Girls Gone Wild tapes, you're officially too old for Santa. Stop writing me.