Freeze! Don't reach for your wallet --
debt could be wrecking your marriage
By Holden Lewis • Bankrate.com

When you realize debt is drowning your relationship, it's time to turn off the spigot. Some people place their credit cards in a glass of water, then place the glass in the freezer. It's an unusual step, but when your credit cards are encased in ice, it's hard to use them on the spur of the moment.

Don't do anything rash -- such as sell your house -- before getting advice. A good source of help is a local branch of Consumer Credit Counseling Service.

And don't neglect your relationship with your spouse or significant other. Spiraling debt causes tension in your relationships.

Here is some advice from experts:
Talk about the debt, but don't dwell on the problems it has caused.

Discuss your attitudes toward spending and what sorts of values your family transmitted about debt. Are these attitudes and values realistic? Do they need to be changed?

Introspection is difficult for most people. If you need help identifying your thoughts and feelings about spending, you might need to find a therapist or a support group. An outsider might help especially if you and your partner need a referee.

A two-party system
Each person should have money to spend on whatever he or she wants. This practice gives both partners a feeling of control, says Tom O'Connor, a certified financial planner with The Keller Group in Irvine, Calif.

Have both partners review bills. If one always pays the bills, the other can file the invoices. Both partners should look at credit card statements together "and that will prevent one from being in denial," O'Connor says.

If each partner carries just one credit card, it's easier to keep track of spending.

Withdraw cash from an automated teller machine once every one or two weeks. If you run out of cash before you run out of time, you'll be poor for a few days. This tactic, which O'Connor calls "the weekly window," enforces spending discipline.

On the really costly items -- a house, a car, a vacation -- find a way to reduce spending by 10 percent to 15 percent. That will save a lot of money and "you don't have to worry about saving $5 a week on lunch items," O'Connor says.

A spending plan, not a budget
Don't call it a budget, advises Olivia Mellan, author of Overcoming Overspending and Money Harmony. Call it a spending plan. The word "budget" scares overspenders. It's like invoking the word "diet" for overeaters. Like a diet, a budget is something you are on until you get sick of it and jump off. A spending plan (like a low-fat menu) is something you follow in pursuit of a goal.

Write down your long-term financial goals, then find small pictures representing those goals and carry them with your credit cards. For example, Mellan says, if you want to save for your children's college education, cut out a magazine photo of a kid in a cap and gown. Slip it into your wallet "so you can say, 'Gee, this is why I'm not going to Starbucks five times a week.' "

Keep a spending diary. Write down every purchase and how you felt about it. In addition to enlightening yourself, you might get so weary of writing in your little notebook that you won't make so many impulse purchases.

-- Updated: Dec. 17, 2002