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 May
12, 2000 -- Howard Dvorkin has vivid
memories of his childhood and how money troubles took their
toll in his circle of friends.
"I grew up in a pretty rough area,"
Dvorkin says. "I've seen where my friends' heat was turned
off and they couldn't afford clothing. That stays with you."
What does debt do to children in a family?
Experts agree that the impact on the kids depends entirely
on how the adults handle the situation.
"There are two or three different
ways this affects children," says Dvorkin, president
of Consolidated Credit Counseling Services in Fort Lauderdale,
Fla. "One is psychological -- debt puts a heck of lot
of stress on interpersonal relationships and (the children)
see that ... The psychological scars these children will carry
around forever are extremely disturbing. They need to learn
so they don't repeat these mistakes."
But, parents should also realize that
children who don't have everything they want are not disadvantaged,
says Dr. John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women
Are From Venus and Children Are From Heaven. One
lifelong value they may learn if parents handle the debt problem
carefully is how to be happy when they don't get everything
they want, a skill missing in a lot of families.
New York Law School professor Karen Gross,
who specializes in bankruptcy and consumer finance, has counseled
debtors in Legal Aid clinics and taught financial literacy
to welfare mothers.
"There's no question that debt carries,
with the economic price tag, an emotional price tag,"
she says. "It affects how the debtor feels about herself
and no doubt affects her ability to function comfortably and
happily at home. The psychological literature is clear on
how a parent's emotional well-being affects children, and
debt impacts that."
"It's all my fault"
While it's not appropriate or helpful to share the intimate
details of a very adult problem with young children, it's
a good idea to discuss the big picture in general terms. That's
because kids know when something's up and tend to think two
things -- the situation is worse than it really is, and it's
all their fault.
"You can hide the facts, but you
can't hide the feelings," says Dr. Robert Butterworth,
a nationally recognized child psychologist. "Stress in
kids has a lot to do with how the stress is coming out in
the family. If you don't tell a youngster there's a financial
problem, they can pick up the emotional as the well as the
verbal cues. They'll know something is wrong -- you're short-tempered,
you're not as much fun -- and may fantasize something much
worse."
Another reason that parents shouldn't
be too concerned about telling their children the family is
having money problems is that what may seem like a disaster
to a parent may not be that big of a deal to a kid, Butterworth
says.
"Sometimes families act as if someone
has a terminal illness (rather) than a terminal debt problem,"
he says. "Youngsters aren't as devastated about money
as adults."
With younger children, there's no point
in getting too technical with an explanation because they're
not going to know what you're talking about until they hit
elementary school, he says.
"Some people try to shelter their
children," Dvorkin says. "Children, if you let them
be privy to these family discussions, they'll develop a much
better understanding of a family's expenses, which could be
helpful. It will put the picture in their mind and they'll
be more willing to cooperate with sacrifices. Older children
should be brought into the picture, maybe even have a responsibility,
such as writing checks, to teach them more advanced skills.
It's imperative we go through and teach children the do's
and don'ts about money to instill those values at a young
age as soon as possible."
The Golden Rule
If there's one absolute the experts lay down, it's this: Parents
should never, ever blame their children for the family's financial
difficulties.
"Parents are the adults, and they
must assume the responsibility for financial errors,"
says Dr. Michael Hurd, a psychologist, psychotherapist and
author of Effective Therapy and the forthcoming Grow
Up America!
"If kids pressured them to buy more
things, we have to remember that they are kids. The children
needed the parents to set limits, and the parents failed at
this task."
As with almost every difficult time, a
family's debt situation can actually have some positive effects.
If the parents act responsibly and work
to pay off their debt, the children will learn the value of
money, the work ethic needed to earn it, accountability for
their own actions and the money-management skills to avoid
repeating their parents' mistakes.
"Sometimes a family hardship can
be good," Dvorkin says. "They learn what kind of
stress and difficulties come when you spend recklessly and
what to do about it. There's lots of millionaires out there
who started with nothing. They know how to live with money
and they know how to live without money."
Spend time, not money
Parents may learn a few other things, such as it's more important
to spend time with their children than it is to spend money
on them.
"Parents need to understand that
some of the most well-adjusted children grew up in poor families,"
says author Gray. "Wealthy parents often will give a
child whatever he wants so he doesn't ever have to experience
being deprived, feeling frustration, disappointment and the
fear that comes with not getting what you want.
"When you don't have a lot of money
and your child wants something, instead of trying to quickly
solve the problem, a poor parent tends to be more compassionate
and empathetic and listen because that's all he can do. He
says with love in his heart, 'I wish I could get it for you,
but I can't,' and the child will feel completely loved.
"Children need the opportunity to
experience sometimes not getting what they want, being unhappy,
and having someone listen to them with empathy and compassion.
As a result, the child will discover an incredible ability
to be happy even when you don't get everything you want when
you want it. This important skill is often missing in children
who grew up in wealthy families. It is no coincidence that
so many successful people grew up in poor families."
So, in good financial times or bad, make
sure your children know that they're more important than money
to you. And make sure they are.
Pat
Curry is a freelance writer based in Georgia
To comment on this story, please e-mail the Bankrate.com
editors
-- Posted: May 12, 2000
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