Angling to marry for money? |
|
|
|
"Sometimes those match and sometimes they don't," says Shubs. "Those who marry for wealth generally aspire to have those trappings. The wealthy, however, may not."
Shubs says those who base their self-worth on external accoutrements are headed down a dead end. "They can never have enough things because that inner sense of self-value never gets filled up. That bucket will always be empty because it can't be filled with money," he says.
Issue 3: 'Arm
candy' of the rich and famous
This issue is related to that of self-image.
"One of the areas where some people may be disappointed
is the whole notion of 'arm candy.' Are they willing to be someone's
'arm candy' or not? Is that what their identity and their self-esteem
is based on?" Shubs asks.
"If they are, what happens as they get older and
they no longer look like the hot 22-year-old when this all started?
What happens when nature takes its course on their body? What happens
to their sense of self-esteem, and how does that impact their relationship?
The whole notion of trust often becomes challenged, because if he's
only interested in me because of how I look, what happens when I
no longer look this way?"
Issue 4: Trust
Now that we've got Cinderella doubting herself, it's Prince Charming's turn.
"Sometimes people who are very wealthy have a lot of insecurity about potential partners. Does she love me for myself or for my money? That sense of insecurity can be raised in lots of different ways and can be the hair-trigger, especially as she may develop interests and needs of her own that are independent of him," says Shubs.
Issue 5: Entitlement
Here's where doubts on both sides can snowball into an avalanche of recrimination and scorn. Tony and Carmela Soprano have been locked in this purgatory for six seasons.
"As she is marrying for money, and consciously doing so, what makes her think that she deserves it? The other side of that, in his mind, is, what makes her worthy of his money? What are their senses of entitlements, and how do these translate into other parts of the marriage, especially their relationships with their kids?" Shubs says.
Valentis says entitlements cut to the core of every
marriage.
"Every relationship has a contract. These contracts may be spoken, but most of the time they're unspoken, and lots of times they have to do with money. For instance, 'I make all the money but you do this and this and this,'" she says. "There are all sorts of contracts and most of them are not talked about at all."
Can marrying for money bring you a life filled with love and happiness? It depends on what you're really after -- and what you're willing to give up to get it.
"People who are more grounded in self-esteem aren't
looking to marry for money because money has a different meaning
for them," says Shubs. "They may be very happy if the
person they're with turns out to have money, but they're not after
it. The money is a side plus, it's not the brass ring. It's a big
difference.
"It depends on the two people, what they bring to that relationship together, what the money means to them and what the relationship is based on. If the relationship is based just on money, then that's a pretty sure road to problems."
Jay MacDonald is a contributing editor based in Texas.
|
