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| Resolving marital conflict: thermostat
wars |
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Heitler saw her marriage-skills training help end
the thermostat war one of her employees was waging with her husband.
"You start out with a 'his-way' and a 'her-way,'
and the goal is to get to an 'our-way.' In the case of this successful
couple, she says, 'Oh, it's so warm in here!' and he says, 'No,
wait, I'm freezing. Let's turn the thermostat up.' They talk it
through enough that they really understand what is going on. They
don't take it personally, they just gather information and then
come up with a very creative solution. Now, when she's at home,
she always dresses like its July. When he's at home, he has a whole
sweater collection. It's not compromise; it's genuinely a win-win.
They have found a temperature where she can be comfortable having
shed everything except for a tank top, and he can be comfortable
because he has these nice cozy sweaters."
Sherod Miller, a Denver psychologist and chairman
of Interpersonal
Communication Programs, says one component of his method focuses
on getting each party to consider the wants of the other, based
on the other's interest.
"In listening to couples, we never heard them
talk about wants for the other; we always heard about wants for
self, particularly under pressure. So what happens is, you lock
up because you're both saying, 'I want,' which is probably 80 to
90 percent of the people on the planet," he says. "You
show me two people who live together who can want for each other's
best interests and help them get it, and I'll show you a successful
couple. You show me a couple that cannot want for the other's interests,
and I'll show you a couple in trouble. It's really that simple."
Heitler agrees that the answer to thermostat wars
resides in learning how to avoid the lockup and instead seek creative
solutions, whether it be more clothing, less clothing, portable
fans, space heaters, dual-control electric blankets or separate
thermostats for separate living or hobby rooms. The challenge is
to overcome the negative ways of handling conflict (avoidance, criticism,
blame, contempt, fighting, etc.) that we often learn in our childhood
home environment.
"When couples get stuck in a tug of war; they
act as if turning the thermometer up or turning it down are the
only solutions. If you just dig in and say 'I want my way,' if you
get your way, your partner becomes depressed. Or the other way,
if your partner decided to suffer to make you feel guilty, that's
a lose-lose situation, too. If they will relax a little and begin
to explore the nature of the problem, they can identify other solutions."
Next up: Another
approach to thermostat peace
Jay MacDonald is a contributing editor
based in Mississippi.
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