Overcoming fear of rejection

Maybe I'm nuts, but I don't mind rejection that much. I know it's normal to get rejected 10, 20, 40 times before I get the message that I'm barking up the wrong tree.

I think I developed my thick skin from being unattractive to women. When I was single, I'd have to ask a half dozen out before one would deign to say yes. I was really motivated, so I kept asking the women for feedback and male friends for advice. Most important, I kept asking more women out. And each time, I was less anxious about asking and less hurt when rejected. You just get used to it.

After a rejection, I didn't (and don't) allow myself a nanosecond of anger or self-pity. Why? Because I know it can bring me down into inertia. So, as soon as I get a rejection, I use my disappointment to fuel me to think, "I'll show her," and immediately try to find someone else to pitch to.

I used to think that getting rejected a lot was a sign I was a loser, but then I read that Soichiro Honda (of the car company) said, "Success is 99 percent failure," and that Thomas Edison tried thousands of versions of the light bulb before one succeeded. Imagine if he feared rejection. We might still be in the dark.

My first book was rejected 18 times before a publisher said yes. Yet it went on to win the American School Board Association's award as one of the year's 10 best books.

I still get rejected all the time. For example, when I submit an article for publication, I know that even though I've already had 400 articles published, the odds of any one publisher saying yes are small. So, I usually send each article to 30 likely suspects. In the end, one or two say yes, at which point the 28 or 29 rejections feel irrelevant.

Let's say someone scattered a deck of playing cards face down on a table and said that if you find the ace of spades, he'll give you $50,000. When you turned over the first card and it was the nine of diamonds, would you get frustrated and give up? Of course not. You'd turn over every darn card until that ace of spaces showed up. You'd only give up if after turning over all the cards, there was no ace of spades there -- because the evil person pulled it out of the deck in advance.

Same with most things you fear rejection of: job searching, pitching your ideas, your artistic talent, asking people out for a date. Keep pitching, changing your approach as you get feedback, until you get a pretty clear sense that it's time to change goals. Maybe you're going after too crowded a niche? Too high level a job? An industry in contraction? A job where there's too many people competing? Too cute a woman? Too prestigious a publication? Or maybe your idea is truly stupid. Like the Kenny Rogers song says, "You gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em."

What works for me may not work for you. So here are some other cures for fear of rejection that have worked for my clients.

Sure you want a yes? I have clients who don't try to land a job and claim it's fear of rejection. But on probing, deep down, they really like staying home and having their spouse support them.

Realize that only losers avoid rejection. Imagine two job seekers. One so fears rejection that he doesn't apply for jobs. The other candidate applies, and after each rejection calls the employer and says what John Kador recommended in an HR.com article:

I got your letter saying you won't be making me an offer and I accept the decision. I need to improve my interviewing skills and I'd love to get your help. Please tell me what I could have done better. I can make you three promises. I will not interrupt you, I will not defend myself and I will not contact you or anyone in your company for a year. Will you help me?

Which of those two job seekers do you think will get a good job faster?

Reduce your chances of being rejected. Prepare yourself before pitching. For example, role play with a friend, be sure your work sample is strong, read an article, etc.

Play reverse psychology on yourself. Give a friend $100 and say something like, "Unless I get 10 rejections today, you keep the money." That creates reverse psychology: You're now trying to get rejected. That can inure you to rejection's pain and help you realize you'll survive even 10 rejections in a row. And not fearing rejection, you'll probably get a yes faster.

Don't expect to be anxiety-free. You'll probably always be a bit nervous when pitching. Feel the fear and do it anyway. A little anxiety can actually help you perform better.

Remember that a yes is so exhilarating. Think positive. I promise you, even if it takes 40 no's to get to one yes, that one yes will erase all memories of the no's.

Stop worrying about what others think of you. Keep searching for someone who will accept you for who you are: more or less humorous, more or less intelligent, liberal or conservative. In the end, you must, above all, be true to yourself.