Don't let your will split the family -- Page 2
By Dana Dratch • Bankrate.com

Or, you can arrange for an insurance policy for that person, says Schiff Estess. Since insurance passes outside the will, no one but you and your inheritor ever needs to know.

If the heirs are young adults and the money is for something specific, such as a home or college education, consider leaving the money in a trust set up for that purpose.

A trust also can be a good strategy in situations where you might not want to gift a person with a lot of money at one time.

But if you take that road, "Name a neutral third-party as trustee, not another sibling," says Gallo. And talk about the issue in advance.

If your children are young, you need a guardian. "There's also been a big shift in the way people approach guardianship," says Farrell. "A lot of people are beginning to separate out who they want to raise their children and who they want to administer their children's money. "

If anything in the will is liable to be controversial, like leaving a trust for an adult son with a gambling problem, many professionals recommend a non-contest clause. Enforceable in most states, this says that if the person challenges the will, they lose their share, says Bove.

These are a few of my favorite things...
In many cases, little mementos cause more trouble than big money. "There's bitter warfare over personal things," says Kotzer.

When it comes to personal items, take each heir aside and talk about what things have meaning for them, says Eileen Gallo, a principal in the Gallo Institute and a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist. Some relatives -- especially adult children -- don't want to think about it. Gallo remembers when her own mother approached the topic. "It seemed creepy," she recalls.

What if two people want the same thing? Let them know about the problem and suggest they work it out.

When it comes to the larger items -- like a business or a home -- convene a family meeting. "If you feel too uncomfortable to be leading the meeting, then you need to bring in a facilitator," says Jon Gallo, also a partner in the law firm of Greenberg Glusker Fields Claman Machtinger & Kinsella LLP. "People shy away from any confrontation."

Try to get a sense of how each party views the asset in relation to his or her own future. Is a daughter planning to run the business some day? Does a son want his kids to spend summers at the family homestead?

With a home, it's possible that one of the children might still be living there. What happens to them if you give equal shares to the siblings? Are they really willing to let the sibling live there while they pay the taxes and leave the equity untouched?

Bottom line: it's your asset -- listen to your gut. You don't have to do what the majority thinks is fair.

It's difficult when an estate involves the family business, because while all parties are family, chances are only some of them are involved in the business. "It's rare for a family business to survive the death of the founder," says Jon Gallo.

Talk to the parties involved, make your decision and talk to them again so that everyone knows what to expect. Some parents dodge the issue, figuring it's easier not to deal with the emotions face-to-face.

But Schiff Estess thinks that's a mistake. "Once the will is read, there is no way to clear up those expectations," she says. "And ill will is the legacy, as opposed to anything material or well-meaning."

Love the second time around
After a second marriage, don't assume your spouse will take care of the kids from the first marriage, says Kotzer. "I've seen stories where the kids from the first marriage lose everything to the second spouse."

Go over the property and asset issues when you draw up the prenuptial agreement and reflect the same wishes in your will and estate plan, says Farrell. Tell both families exactly how the assets will be split.

And it doesn't have to be an either/or situation. Trusts have tremendous flexibility and can allow a second spouse use of property while ensuring the asset will eventually belong to your own heirs.

First things first: Enjoy yourself!
If your kids are grown, your financial obligation is over. "No one has the right to an inheritance," says Farrell.

So don't be afraid to do what you want and use your money to make yourself happy.

Kotzer remembers one client who made a will prior to a serious surgery that she did not expect to survive. When she did, she threw a party and invited all of her nieces and nephews. Later, bending to retrieve an earring, she found a piece of masking tape with a niece's name on the underside of her dining table. She later discovered similar tags on most of her household possessions. Her heirs had used her welcome-back-to-life party as a chance to stake their claims.

The next day she went to a lawyer, changed her will -- and left everything to charity.

-- Dana Dratch is a freelance writer based in Atlanta.