Don't let your will split the family
By Dana Dratch • Bankrate.com

Where there's a will, there's a potential battle.

Sometimes something as small as a crystal vase can expose a big crack in family unity. The best way to diffuse the situation? Talk to your family now, let them know who is getting what -- and why.

"Our experience has been that children tend to equate equality of inheritance with equality of love," says Jon Gallo, a principal in the Gallo Institute, a consulting service for families dealing with the psychological and emotional issues of estate planning. "And parents need to understand that. I tell our clients, if you are going to treat your children differently, even for good reasons, you need to convey that you love them equally."

First, make a will
When it comes to family harmony, that alone is one of the biggest steps you can take. You can distribute your property the way you'd like and eliminate guesswork by others. You're also making life easier on the people you leave behind.

At its best, "It's to be a peaceful vehicle where there are no conflicts or fighting," says David Bendix, of The Bendix Financial Group, in Garden City, N.Y.

If you want to keep infighting to a minimum, tell everyone what's in your will and estate plan. Make sure the language is clear and keep the paperwork current. A 20-year-old will that mentions one grandchild but neglects three others or financially favors a younger sibling who hadn't then finished college will leave heirs scratching their heads.

Reassess the value of assets
Things change in value. What might have been an even split two decades ago could be a much different equation now.

And make designations for 401(k)s and IRAs, says Chris Farrell, host of "Right on the Money," a nationally syndicated personal finance show. "These days, a big chunk of your assets are not in your will," he says. And if you have a sizable estate, it makes sense to bring your financial planner and your lawyer together, Farrell says.

When you inventory your property, look at the way the assets are titled, says Alexander A. Bove Jr., a Boston-based attorney and the author of "The Complete Book of Wills, Estates & Trusts." Many people assume that property or money in the bank will all become part of their estate. But if you own the property jointly with another person, or you put your child's name on a bank account, the asset will pass to that person alone, says Bove. "That's why an inventory is so critical."

In most cases, you probably want to have a lawyer write your will, especially if there are minor children, second marriages or assets vital to your family involved. A lawyer who specializes in wills and estates will present questions and solutions that you're not likely to consider.

Review your will every couple of years as circumstances change. People "have to keep their wills living, breathing" documents, says Les Kotzer, a Toronto wills and estates lawyer and co-author of "The Family Fight: Planning to Avoid It."

Make the language clear
Rather than say you want something equally divided among all your children, name the children so that no one is accidentally included or excluded in this era of blended families. And be just as specific when it comes to naming your belongings. Read the will. If anything could be interpreted more than one way, have a lawyer revise it, says Kotzer.

He remembers two siblings who were split over a 40-year-old clock. The mother left all her antiques to her daughter and all other possessions to her son. The son wanted a 1960s clock from his childhood room. Was it an antique or not? Neither could agree and they haven't spoken since.

First among equals
There are plenty of reasons you might leave more to one person than another. If you talk about it ahead of time, everyone has a chance to understand your reasoning.

"Boiled down into one word -- communication," says Farrell.

Perhaps one daughter was your caretaker 24/7 while you were ill. Or one child is a single millionaire while another is a struggling social worker with kids.

Gallo suggests being upfront and talking it out. Open the conversation with, "What would you feel if I did this," he suggests. "Or, 'I'm thinking about doing this because your brother or sister has greater financial need than you, but I'm concerned you'll feel punished if I do this.'"

If you don't even want to go there, there are other ways to handle it. First, you could help one sibling quietly while you're alive, in essence disbursing what you would have anyway, says Patricia Schiff Estess, author of "Money Advice for Your Second Marriage."