| Saving your money
and your marriage |
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"There is often deception in the stereotypical
situation. The wife feels her husband would not approve if he knew
that there is cash going for a massage every week and the daughters
are all going for manicures and pedicures," says Loh. "They
avoid a lot of value judgments not discussing it. When you don't
want to confront each other, you get more and more polarized."
4. Give each other credit
One of the ways money plants seeds of dissention in a marriage
is by creating an imbalance of power, either consciously or subconsciously,
in favor of the chief money earner. This can polarize spouses and
lead to all sorts of irrational behavior. Don't let it. Vow to establish
separate credit in each of your names -- bank accounts, credit cards,
loans, etc. It's a great way to build trust in each other and nip
abandonment fears in the bud.
5. Beat the street together
This may be a delicate subject, especially if you or your spouse
invested your life savings in tech stocks, but the couple that trades
together really may have a better chance of staying together. Why
not create your own investment club? Not only are two heads usually
better than one, research shows that men and women bring complementary
strengths and insights to investing. The benefits are several. You'll
both be involved and informed in your finances, you'll become better
communicators and partners, and you may even beat the street.
6. Meet the parents
Experts agree that some if not most of our money fears date
back to childhood. For better or worse, our parents were the single
biggest influence on how we manage or mismanage our money.
"How you were raised sets up the expectation
of how things should be, and we're often not even aware of it,"
says Jenkins. "How did your parents handle money when you were
a kid? Did they always fight about it like cats and dogs? If they
did, maybe you're anxious about talking about money. Or maybe you
never saw them talk about money, so you assumed it just worked itself
out without having to talk about it."
Isn't it time to "meet the parents" behind
your money attitudes? Helping each other become aware of your inherited
money behaviors is the first step toward understanding and even
changing them.
7. Feelings, woah, woah,
woah, feelings
When we're hurt or angry over money, it's not the money's fault;
it just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. By
choosing to fight about the minutiae of a credit card statement
or checking balance, we may be missing the opportunity to recognize
a behavior trigger, understand how it works and learn to defuse
it next time.
If you repeatedly have the same argument, if one partner
refuses to talk, if your spouse blows up over something trivial
or if you find yourselves keeping score with money, there's a good
chance there are deeper issues involved. Set aside time to talk
about it when you're not upset, and it may spare you from all those
senseless fights.
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